It is hard for me to accept my limitations and I am sure it is hard for others to recognize them and accept them too.
I think about death alot. Some days I wish it would be soon because I am so tired of fighting to breathe and so frustrated with wanting to do so much and not having the energy and the air to do it. At those times I mostly worry about how I will die. Will it be gasping for air, in pain or extreme anxiety or will someone know to make sure I get good meds. I have a living will but I worry that my wishes won't be carried out. I know how hard it is for families of dying patients to let go. Most days I just carry on, trying to make it better. There's good in every day, I just have to look for it. I'm looking forward to getting that feeling of well-being despite the limitations. Instead of this feeling of helplessness in the face of the limitations.
I hate this disease. I hate what it does to people. I hate that because we smoked and "did this to ourselves" I hate being called a "burden on society".
I spend many hours alone thinking about death. I know it's inevitable, unpredictable and certain. I accept that. It may be sooner for me because of the COPD, and most likely will be. But I could also be hit by a truck tomorrow. You just don't know. But I think about it while I breathe in my oxygen and pant after everything I do.
So now that I contemplate my own death, it's not so scary for me - really just the nuts and bolts of it.
For now, I just feel good to be alive. I work hard to accept the limitations I have had imposed on my life and to be grateful that I am so much better than some others.
Yet I am still thinking about death.
2 comments:
MSN:
I also worry about mortality...so many things left unsaid...or undone...not finished...whatever.
(got that "borrowed time" feeling following me around)
Then I see the rabbit that comes by the house, or see some travel show about someplace in America, and that mortality doesn't seem so fixed in my mind.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
In every way, you will always be my "neighbor", even if our shared fence is a virtual one.
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