Cigarette Ads

One of the most vivid memories for me was the Marlboro Cigarette commercials. Yes television had cigarette ads on them up to 1971, when they were banned from TV. There were other ads for smokes but this was the one that caught my eye a handsome cowboy in a white hat, wearing a red shirt squinting into the sun, lighting his Marlboro cigarette. He was what they would call a “hottie.” They used other manly rugged guys ball players, race car drivers etc. but he is the one I remember. He was created in the 1950’s and was Philip Morris best selling brand. At that time cigarette smoking was accepted by all and was not known to be harmful. Along about the mid 1960’s we were in Marlboro Country. And in the mid 70’s Marlboro was the number one brand in the world. I remember vaguely some other commercials, like the dancing Old Gold Cigarette Box, and the Hotel Bell Boy calling for Philip Morris. Camel’s ad says I’d walk a mile for a Camel. Winston taste good Like a Cigarette should. I remember friends of my parents smoking Raleigh cigarettes for the coupons that they saved for premiums.

A Gallup Survey conducted in 1958 found that only 44 percent of Americans believed smoking caused cancer, while 78 percent believed so by 1968. In the course of a decade, it had become common knowledge that smoking damaged health, and mounting evidence of health risks. In 1965, Congress required all cigarette packages distributed in the United States to carry a health warning, and since 1970 this warning is made in the name of the Surgeon General. In 1969, cigarette advertising on television and radio was banned, The last cigarette TV commercial (for Virginia Slims) was broadcast on the Johnny Carson Tonight Show at 11:59pm on January 1, 1971. By this time I was hooked. I started smoking after I graduated high school and before I got married. Everyone smoked back in the day. I smoked thru all 3 of my pregnancies. My babies were born healthy and whole. They all did well in school, and one of them smokes. My oldest son has moved to Australia and tells me smokes are $10. a pack. My poison of choice was Kent Cigarettes with the micronite filter. And as I remember they cost about 35¢ a pack.

My List

1. I really like living alone.

2. I hardly ever cook.

3. I don’t have a credit card.

4. I have no debt.

5. I pay cash for everything or I don’t buy it. Also it must be on sale.

6. I am rarely sick

7. I don’t like to travel.

8. I am still in touch with friends from High School.

9. I was not good at marriage or relationships.

10. I am always changing something in my home.

11. I have a wicked sense of humor

12. I love sarcasm.

13. I don’t ever feel sorry for myself.

14. I spend hours on the computer.

15. I would do anything for my family.

16. I think about dying more than I should.

17. I am not afraid to die.

18. I once stole something.

19. I miss working.

20. I know how to clean fish.

21. I am afraid of snakes and worms.

22. My favorite movie is Gone With the Wind

23. I never got in trouble at school.

24. My sister has not talked to me in years. I have no idea why.

25. I hate waiting in lines.

26. I am afraid of heights

27. I can’t swim.

28. I have been married and divorced twice.

29. I hate wearing shoes.

30. I watch way too much tv.

Poor Me

Some times I get so busy thinking about my troubles that I forget about my blessings.

I find myself comparing my life to others. I feel left out, cheated and even rejected. I was playing the “poor me” game. I think this is a learned behavior. When I was a kid all I ever heard was how I never was good enough, never pretty enough, smart enough, quick enough, thin enough, fat enough, I did not do the dishes right, clean house right, watch my sister right. And because of this negativity I was a guilt sponge. It even went so far that I felt shame that I could not please my parents, now I know that it did not matter, there was nothing that would please them ever. They were not bad parents, they always did what they thought was right, I believe they did their best, but my childhood is missing the warm fuzzy feelings that most of you have. I thought I would get over it, grow out of it or at best learn to accept it. Not so. It still hurts very much. What a total waste of my time. I am learning how to be more positive and to count my blessings instead of adding up my troubles. My boys and their wives and families are my greatest blessings. I am blessed to have many good friends. I have a nice home, my bills are paid and I have more than enough food. I also have the blessing of contentment. I have learned to look around me and let the happiness and joy of others to bring me joy and happiness.

I have many, some big and some small but all blessings just the same.

Worry

I just came across this great quote: “Worry is like a rocking chair: It gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere.” Is that great or what? I have always been a worrier, I worry about what other people think, I worry about what I should have said, I worry about what I did say, what hasn’t happened and what will happen. Lately I have been worrying about little things, like what I should be doing, instead of waiting for some one to do it for me. I even stopped watching the national and local news because it caused me so much worry and I admit it anger. It was hard on me listening to all the gloom and doom, and all the angry voices with their dire predictions. Even more worry. I worry about the swine flu, I worry about my power going out and with it my ability to breathe, I worry about my son and his wife in Australia, I worry about my other 2 sons and their families, I worry about my grand kids and what kind of world they are inheriting. So when I stopped watching the news I began to feel much better, I am now trying to be more positive and worry less and start enjoying what is left of my life. In turn my ability to cope with my disease is better. Less worry lets me relax and that in turn makes my breathing easier. My life is not a problem to worry about but it is a gift I am learning to enjoy.

On a happy note my favorite granddaughter got engaged this weekend to a wonderful guy. It was very romantic. She is beautiful, she is smart and I will try not to worry.

A Good Week

Living alone I have a lot of time to think, maybe too much. The words “handicapped” and “disabled” were never in my vocabulary. And I certainly never expected to use them to describe myself. I now have my very own handicapped hang tag for my car. I now fit the description perfectly I would have never thought in a million years that I would be disabled and needing help to continue to live alone. But I am, and I do. I have a very caring family who are available to help me at any time. They don’t baby me but they do lend a hand when I need one. I also have a lot of very thoughtful and kindhearted friends, who keep me company either on the phone or on the computer. They are so very important to me. (You know who you are.) Today I made it to the local Kroger store, the sun was out, perfect temperature and I felt good. My trip was a success and I made it all the way thru the store including the freezer section. Not a big deal for most of you but a real triumph for me. I would consider this day a success.
All in all it was a good breathing week for me.
My life is certainly influenced by my illness and every day I learn more ways to cope with it. But in no way does my illness define who I am.

A Very Good Breathing Day

Today is a very good day for me, the sun is out and the humidity is low. When I woke up this morning I could feel the difference in my breathing. I slept well last night and feel fantastic today. Yesterday I finally made it to get my hair trimmed and….ahem… colored. My treat to me. I think that helps me feel better too. A few dollars a couple hours and I have a whole new attitude. I am excited to know that with this nice weather I will soon be able to set out back and enjoy my back yard. If I figure out how to post a picture on here I will share my view with you. It is lovely. As I sit here I feel great, as this disease does not hurt or cause me pain when at rest. I honestly feel like I could dig a ditch or kick some butt, but the truth is I am pretty darn weak. Most people with healthy lungs just don’t know how hard it is for me to sometimes do the smallest tasks. There are times when I can’t walk and talk at the same time. Things that are a big old deal to me are done by healthy people with out a thought. I am trying to be as open and honest as possible in the hope I can help some one else. Bring on the nice weather patience is a virtue that I don’t seem to possess today.

Costs

I notice that some things trigger my flare ups more than others. Something as simple as perfume in a product that I use like laundry soap, deodorant, even in a magazine where they have those scratch and sniff samples. Some of my other triggers are as you might expect. Air pollution, pollen, mildews, molds, traffic exhaust or fumes, hot humid air, pet hair and dander, perfumes, cleaning products, dust, hair spray, men’s after shave or cologne, and of course, cigarette smoke, especially the lingering smoke on smokers clothes. These things cause an immediate tightening of my chest making it hard for me to breathe.

The one thing that bothers me is that since stores and malls are smoke free, why do the smokers take their “Butt Break” right at the door? As an ex smoker I totally get the need for a smoke, but would hope that I would be considerate enough to walk a few feet to smoke. I am in no way down on smokers. I loved to smoke, I quit about 7 years ago and do not miss the expense, (I was wondering the other day how much money I have saved by not smoking. 7 years is about 2555 days. Smoking 2 packs a day at just say $6 a day would be $15,330.) I was shocked at that number, and truthfully it would be much more. But the cost to my health was very high and the cost to the health of my children is still unknown.

Need

I live on the Wabash River. Yes that famous river in the song Jim Nabors sings every year before the start of the Indy 500. What a beautiful view I have out my back windows. The river is quite wide behind my house and not very deep. It is home to several pair of blue heron and way too many Canada geese. The geese are so noisy and so messy to have around. But they give me many hours of fun watching them. They are up in my yard and even get in the road and stop traffic. I love this house and I love the river. I have lived here for 20+ years. There have been lots of changes in my life during that time. One by one my boys left home ( 2 of them live local and 1 lives in Australia ) and then I got divorced. I bought out my ex and stayed in this big old house. My business was here and I continued to run that until my health caused me to stop working. I miss working so very much. I mostly miss the people. This illness is very isolating. It is hard for me to get around and go out and about. I am scared to death that I will “catch” (cold, flu etc.) something. The cold makes it hard to breathe and on the other hand the humidity is even worse.

For now, I just feel good to be alive. I work hard to accept the limitations I have had imposed on my life and to be grateful that I am able to do as much as I can.

I have succeeded in life when all I really want is only what I really need

What would you do?

Not to long ago I went to a local thrift store, which I won’t name (GW) it just so happened they were having a half price day. Well I love a bargain, and I waited for a front spot to park and went inside. Grabbed me a cart ( I need one to place my O2 tank in ) and off I went. I found a few things and got in line. OMG I waited and I waited, then I waited some more. I figured I should check my gauge to make sure I had enough o2 to make it thru the check out and out to my car. Well much to my dismay I was very low on oxygen. I did not want to lose my place in line, and I sure did not want to lose my bargains, so when an employee walked by I said “ I am getting very low on oxygen and I wondered if you could help me?” I intended to either ask to hold my place in line or even to run to my car and get me a cylinder.. or maybe she had some other suggestion.. Well she looked at me and said “ Well I can’t let you go to the front of the line.” She shot me a look and off she went. I felt like a second class person, I felt like I did not belong there, I felt as tho I had leprosy, I felt unwelcome in the store, I felt a lot of things including anger. To make a long story short I ran out of oxygen and when that happens I am in big trouble. My blood oxygen level drops to dangerously low levels and I gasp for breath. I got my damn bargains and paid for them and made it to my car and a new tank of oxygen. And I lived to tell this tale. But stop and think for a minute, this company exists to provide employment for people with disabilities and the very first Basic Principal in their missions statement is WE STRIVE TO TREAT EVERYONE IN A RESPECTFUL MANNER.

What would you do?

I came home, cried, cussed, and then I called the store, I asked for the manager. I calmly told her what had happened and I told her I did not want the lady fired or even in trouble. I just wanted them to know how I was treated so that maybe it would not happen to someone else. I felt better, as I had done something about it. That seemed important at the time. Now not so much. After all I have no idea what was going on in the employees life, she could have been carrying some heavy burdens and going thru some bad times herself. But I hope she can learn patience and compassion for others as some day she could be standing in my shoes.

I'm not writing this blog to seek someone's pity. I don't need pity, I only want to try to help others see what can happen to them.

Burden on Society

The fact is smoking takes years off your life. However, non-smokers that live longer cost Society more. Studies show smokers die about 10 years earlier than non – smokers. These premature deaths provide a huge savings to Medicare, Social Security, private pension plans and more. I worked all my life and paid in far more than I will ever collect. I live on Social Security and funds from a private pension plan. I understand that non-smokers consider what I did to myself as dumb and stupid. But, do they understand that I know it? I mean come on! How could I not know? No need to look down on me because I am a bit slower to move out of your way.

I am paying the price for my bad choice to smoke. But I think I am a stronger person because of it. I fight every day to make changes in my life and to hold on to my independence. I am very lucky that my family stands by me and changes with me. Never once have they made me feel useless or in the way. They are always understanding and helpful to me. They have more compassion, courage and strength than I could ever have. They have never acted ashamed of me and they encourage me to take part in life. People look at me like I am a burden to society, but guess what? I am still moving, still walking, still taking part in life.

There is a universal desire people have to be treated with dignity, kindness and equality. I sometimes feel like I am a “burden on society”.

Definition of: Burden to Society from the Urban Dictionary.
Someone who causes a great deal of destruction and chaos to the people/society they live in. Burdens to society are in trouble way more than the average person. Burdens are usually outcast by society because they cause too much trouble.

Untitled

I have watched the youtube video of Susan Boyle. I saw the looks on the faces of the audience and the judges when she walked onto the stage. You could read their minds. Then she opened her mouth and that lovely voice sang that beautiful song. What joy she showed and how gracious she has been with all the hoopla surrounding her “discovery” We as people are quick to judge others. You need to be pretty, handsome, smart, young, thin, rich, etc. Actually look around you, most folks aren’t pretty, handsome, smart, young, rich etc. That does not mean they do not have worth and something to offer. Everyone has something to offer. They have experience. They have wisdom. They have vision. They have a love of life. They have patience. They have compassion, why do people want to limit their acceptance of others because of their own judgmental opinions? Their judgments reflect their own lack of self-esteem. I hope she can recognize it's their problem and not hers as she is a beautiful and talented person just like she is.

I am disappointed in people.

~ If you judge people, you have no time to love them. ~ Mother Teresa

Changes

Today I was thinking back to when I was first diagnosed. It was not a surprise to me as I had been having difficulty breathing for quite some time. I realized that I had an important choice to make. I could either fight the disease or learn to live with it. As I learned from my doctors that there was nothing that could be done to make my COPD disappear, I gradually came to the conclusion that I would simply have to learn to live with it. That is, my life would now be defined by this condition and it would continue to change as the disease changed. If you
have COPD, you will understand what a difficult choice this was for me to make. I started on oxygen and was surprised at what a blessing that was. It made my life so much easier. Now my daily business is possible again, although much slower and I can continue to live alone and care for myself and my needs. I have bigger challenges to face in the future, but for now I
am comfortable with my life as it is. I chose to live with COPD and embrace it as a life style. And not simply cope with it and feel it was something that was holding me back or was a hindrance to me in my daily life. If you have COPD you will understand what a big hard choice that was for me to make.

I had a surprise phone call from Steve, my ex oxygen delivery man. It was so nice to hear from him. He is now fighting his own battle with stopping smoking. I know he can do it. He and his wife Andrea have been my friends for quite a few years now. He was one of my support people and I miss him coming every 2 weeks, his upbeat personality, his nice smile and how between the two of us we could solve all the world’s problems in just a few minutes.

Today is just another day, another good day. My breathing is much better today. The humidity has dropped and the rain is gone. The elephant is no longer sitting on my chest.

What is COPD

I thought I will maybe try to explain a little bit exactly what this COPD thing is and how it affects me. It is Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. It is a progressive disease that makes it hard for me to breathe. Progressive means it gets worse over time.
Cigarette smoking is the leading cause and I was a long time smoker. Some of my symptoms are wheezing, chest tightness and very short of breath. Since I stopped smoking I no longer have the hacking coughing fits I used to have.. ah what a relief.
You usually don’t know you have it until you have one of these symptoms. and usually by then you have already lost up to 50% of your lung function. It develops slowly over the years and I would be lying if I said I did not notice this happening to me. But I adapted and kept right on smoking. There is NO cure, but with proper treatment you can feel better live a productive life and slow the progress of this disease. It will worsen over time and will limit your ability to do even the most routine activities, like walking, cooking, bathing and or taking care of yourself. I have much to look forward to.
Today for instance I was to go out and get my hair trimmed and colored ( that is just between us, as no one knows I enhance my hair color) I checked and the humidity (my enemy) was 99% here. So I had to reschedule my appointment. Not a big deal but still part of my disease. Mind you I am not complaining one bit I simply want to inform you all about what a rotten disease this is.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them. - Lou Holtz

Shit Creek Survivor

I am a shit creek survivor. I feel like I have survived the worst of my life and now I am going to enjoy the best of my life. Yeah I know hard to believe isn’t it? It has taken this medical condition known as COPD for me to admit that I actually finally have a good life. But I will do what I have to do to continue to survive my personal shit creek experience. I hate that I did this to myself, I hate this disease, I hate there is no cure, but I am thankful for the awaking it has given me. It caused me to slow down and count my blessings. And who knows maybe one of these days I will find my paddle.

It Is What It Is

Sometimes I find my self wondering "what if" What if I had made different choices in my life, What If I had went to college, What If goes on and on. I don't regret my past, not ever. I did what I did and I made to choices I made, and believe me I paid the price for some of them. I honestly would not change anything because I like where I have ended up. I am finally comfortable in my own skin. Yes I wish I did not start smoking but I did. So now I find my self saying "It is What it is" So for today I will be happy to be alive even though it may be harder to get things done the alternative sucks. After much soul searching I have decided to embrace this thing called COPD, and live the good life.I chose to live with it and accept it as a lifestyle and embrace it. It is something I want to do to improve my quality of life. This may seem small when you first think about it but let that soak in for a minute. If I simply decide to cope with it. I am letting it affect my attitude. I chose not to do that. I am learning to accept the bad days and appreciate the good days as my way of life. "It is what it is"

Asking for Help

Asking for Help who knew it was so hard to do

There are some days I struggle so hard to breathe that I have trouble doing just the ordinary normal everyday things. So the solution would be to ask for help, well in theory that sounds like a really good and easy solution, Then why do I have such a problem with it?? I suppose there are many reasons. I get so caught up in taking care of myself I sometimes don’t think or want to ask. It somehow seems a form of weakness, when in fact is also could be seen as a sign of strength as it shows that I know what I can and can’t do, and that I am planning how to get it done anyhow. But some how it still feels like I am opening myself up and making myself vulnerable. I waste so much energy agonizing over such simple things. When all I have to do is open my mouth and ask. Which brings me to another of my problems with asking. I don't want to impose on my family and friends. I try to ask in way that gives them an out. But I find almost every one likes to be helpful and so maybe I am doing them a favor? The next reason I really have a hard time with is that I have always been very self-sufficient. So I am trying to change my focus to more self care. And do what is best for me. That is very hard for me. Because it may not get done right if I don't do it my self. What a crock. I hate to admit that I even think this way. It is the surrendering control part that upsets me so very much. Ok now here is my big reason, I will look as tho I am incompetent. and we all know that the next step is the “home” So for today I am going to view the act of asking for help as one of hope and optimism and not misery and despair.

My New Normal

Each of us has our normal. Growing up I thought my family was normal. (Was I ever wrong about that) And in our way it was, but only to us. Now as I am in my “new” normal, I try to keep a positive attitude and look for the good, appreciate what I have (not what I don’t have) some days I get so tired, each breath is a struggle and yet I keep pretending I am happy to just be alive. It is very hard to force myself to do my basic every day things, like bathing, cooking, or simply walking across the room. Right now I am avoiding doing anything, as it is a rainy day in Indiana, and it feels like an elephant just plopped down on my chest.

But I am grateful to be alive. I accept the fact that everything is a struggle for me. So my new normal for today is slow, move at a snail’s pace, it also means that I may need help with some things. What ever I do it takes me so much longer to accomplish it and uses so much of my energy just to breathe that it exhausts me. And believe me that sucks. So instead of feeling helpless today I will focus on what I can do. And I can do a lot but I do it just a little slower, with a lot more effort and a greater feeling of satisfaction when I complete it.

Everyone Has Something to Offer

I believe this is true. It took me a very long time to "get" that I too have something to offer. I can offer encouragement to others. I can offer an ear to listen, I am a very good listener. I can offer a shoulder to cry on. And a swift kick in the ass when needed. And there is real beauty in that, I may not think what I have to say is interesting to any one but I am sure there is someone somewhere that will be interested and if I can help just one person this blog has value. I offer to be a bad example, I will be the face of a smoker, I will stop and tell your kids why I have this tube in my nose, and I will patiently answer their questions. From time to time when I am out and about little kids will watch me and point. I smile and say hello and tell them if it is from smoking. I see their eyes get big and I know it hits home with them. So you see even tho I am old and broken I can offer hope, hope that I can make a difference and that even if just one child remembers my face when he or she is tempted to smoke that first cigarette I have offered something.

Smoking

I was a long time smoker, back in the day everyone smoked, the Surgeon Generals report had not come out yet. I started smoking when I got my first job after I graduated. It was in a factory.. and every one smoked and thus so did I. They got a good hold on me and I continued to smoke for probably 35 years or more. They ruled my life. I was a slave to tobacco. And I loved smoking.
It got me through 2 divorces, they were always there for me. And they were my best friend at times when I felt I had no friends. I smoked while pregnant (gasp) but we all did. In fact in the hospital you were asked if you wanted a non smoking room .. it was just assumed everyone would want a smoking room. I am not saying this was a good thing it was just our normal.. Much has been learned and much has changed since I put a match to my first non filtered cigarette. Most changed is my life.