Al-Anon

I've heard that for every alcoholic there are 10 family members and friends affected by alcoholism. I don't know if this is a true statistic or not, but it has made me wonder why weren't there more of "us" in Al-Anon.

I also know that some families allow heavy drinking to continue in exchange for keeping the family together. Denial is something that alcoholics and family members have in common. But denial comes with a cost. It can and will trigger emotional problems in all concerned.

One of these problems is co-dependency. That is what I learned from living with an alcoholic. I denied that there was a problem, and I did everything possible to pretend that things were normal too. I wanted to preserve my family’s prestige and project the image of a “perfect family”. I didn't want my friends to come visit. I began to live with anxiety and developed a negative self image. I continued that behavior for a very long time, always feeling that there was something to hide, no where to run, confined in my own personal prison of unhappiness.

Alcoholism is a disease. It is both a physical craving and a mental obsession.

I know that accepting the disease description helped me to better understand the individual. I can accept and have compassion for a person who has this "cunning, baffling, and powerful" disease.

I have learned that no matter how hard I try, I will not be able to help the alcoholic. If I had devoted my life to "fixing" the alcoholic, I would have only harmed him and myself. I would harm through enabling and doing for someone what they have to do for themselves. Instead I chose to help myself through the Al-Anon program.

I don't need to go back to asking the question of why the person I was married to is an alcoholic. I have to accept that is the way it is and that he has a disease that can make him sick. I've also accepted that he isn't a bad person.

I have learned that having a compulsion to drink is a terrible thing. I've listened in open AA meetings about how hard it is to not pick up a drink. Have you ever had a compulsion to eat ice cream or pizza, even though you were on a diet? What did that compulsion feel like to you? How much did you struggle with it? What did you feel like when it bested you? What did it feel like when it didn't and you were able to withstand the compulsion? What does it feel like to know that you can never eat another piece of pizza or have any more ice cream...ever? If I think about those things, then I can better understand the struggling alcoholic.

But I couldn’t do anything about anyone's alcoholism because I didn't know how. The alcoholic can only get help with another recovering alcoholic and by practicing a program of honesty and willingness.

Because I needed to work on my own issues from living with alcoholism, I focused on my own program. Getting through the affects of alcohol required a lot from me. It required detachment, patience and humility. It required being teachable and allowing room for great successes and great failures. It required serenity, courage and wisdom. It required honesty and the willingness to change.

In the end I found I could no longer deal with this disease and chose to get a divorce. My second Alcoholic and my second divorce. But I don’t think of my marriages as failures since I have 3 wonderful sons.