Underwear

Why is it so hard to find something that we all wear? I'm talking about underwear. Not panties. I really don't understand who the heck came up with the term panties. Ugh. Just the thought makes me cringe. I mean, who the heck calls these things panties, besides a) clueless guys who think that panties sounds sexier than underwear (it doesn't), b) possibly the older generation--the same generation that owns blouses, or c) companies like Victoria's Secret that think women feel sexier if they called underwear panties (we don't).
To all that, I say blegh.
No grounded female that I know calls underwear panties. (Though no offense if you either wear panties or have a spouse or SO who wears panties.)
But this was not the point of this posting.
My question is, why can't I find simple functional underwear?
I don't want sexy. I've tried the lacy, satin/silk things, back in the day, but they are functionally impractical. They are also uncomfortable and slide around a lot, which is extremely annoying. Granted, I am basing this on a minuscule sample size, but it was enough to learn that I don't like these. These lacy, satiny things also have very flimsy elastic, so they don't really stay on securely. If I wanted my underwear off, I would simply not wear underwear.
Nor do I want frumpy.
I used to find underwear in a style that I liked that were comfortable, functional, and (well, to me) not frumpy-looking. Then the style changed. Before underwear had a sturdy elastic waistband, now this new line comes with a very flimsy one, which I already mentioned I do not like. After a few washings, some of them already feel rather loose.
I usually find two types of underwear: frumpy and sexy.
I do not want underwear that is 7 inches thick. That would come up past my belly button and perhaps up to my waist. Unfortunately, most of the ladies underwear was of this sort.
I do not want microfiber or silk or satin or all of these other fabrics that many underwear were offered in. I am a creature of habit, and for me, comfortable works best. Thus, comfort or bust.
I do not want underwear in bright pink, or turquoise polka dots, or fluorescent stripes. If you wear a lot of light-colored skirts and pants, the patterns and dark colors will show right through. I don't know why anyone didn't think of this when they came out with the color line. Not to be picky, but I also do not want white, which I think is the most utterly useless color for women's underwear. Though in general, I don't think white is a terribly useful color for any clothing.
And I certainly do not want a cutesy little bow secured by a bead at the front of my underwear. Actually, if I found underwear that fit all of my criteria except for this, I'd happily buy it, but this was not the case. What is the point of this tiny bow, anyway?
This might sound like a lot of demands, but it's really not. I want functional non-frumpy underwear that is well made, has a decent-quality elastic waistband, and comes in light (but not white) colors. And yet, I could not find anything like this at a local store, even though they had a whole corner devoted to just underwear. How could a store have hundreds of different types of underwear and not have the kind I want?

Guy underwear is always functional. Other than the boxer vs. briefs divide, there are not 100 different types of guy underwear to choose from, because they only carry functional guy underwear. Why can't we have only functional types of underwear? Why are we the ones with pretty useless little bows or satiny straps? I mean, I'm not suggesting they add bows to guy underwear. The male equivalent might be spoilers or something on their underwear. But I have never seen such a thing. It turns out that this is because any such thing would be utterly absurd. So would offering guy underwear in 200 different colors and 10 different fabrics.
And yet, with females, this is the norm.