I spend many hours alone thinking about death. I know it's inevitable, unpredictable and certain. I accept that. It may be sooner for me because of the COPD, and most likely will be. But I could also be hit by a truck tomorrow. You just don't know. But I think about it while I breathe in my oxygen and pant after everything I do.
Some days I wish it would be soon because I am so tired of fighting to breathe and so frustrated with wanting to do so much and not having the energy and the air to do it. At those times I mostly worry about how I will die. Will it be gasping for air, in pain or extreme anxiety or will someone know to make sure I get good meds. I have a living will but I worry that my wishes won't be carried out. I know how hard it is for families of dying loved ones to let go. Most days I just carry on, trying to make it better. There's good in every day, I just have to look for it.
So now that I contemplate my own death, it's not so scary for me - really just the nuts and bolts of it. For now, I just feel good to be alive. I work hard to accept the limitations I have had imposed on my life and to be grateful that I am so much better than some others.
But I still think about death.
I don't think it is uncommon to contemplate ones own mortality when being faced with illness.
4 comments:
MSN:
According to "my" family tree...I'm pretty much taking it day-to-day...because I'm on borrowed time.
Both my Dad and HIS dad died when they were both 57...and here I still am...approaching 59!
But around here, there is always a chance of being hit by a car or a stray bulet...(thought that last one only occurred in WAR ZONES?)
And yes, I also think about death a lot (more than I should, I suppose), but I'd like to think I can get what I need to get somehow "situated"...just in case.
My biggest worry is that I don't want (the thought of) death to surpress LIFE ITSELF.
That's always a challenge.
And every day that comes around for me shows I made it...no matter how rough yesterday's road might have been.
Maybe I have another 20+ yrs. to go...maybe only one...got no idea.
I don't take that for granted, that's for sure.
Living is way bigger than that.
You keep the faith and hang in there.
If you're ever in doubt, look out back of your place...
Stay safe down there.
I remember a conversation in a Thor comic book, where Justice peace questions Thor about his compassion towards a dead gangster. "You mistake me, Peace," Thor answered. "I do not grieve for his death, but for the waste of his life."
Your life has been anything but wasted. No matter what happens, we have nothing to grieve about in knowing you.
You are so right. I try not to think of it, but when I was sick I didn't think about my death bt what would happen to my kids. It was torture until I let my faith carry me through that dark place. Heres praying you have only good days ahead. Blessings, Joanne
I totally understand what you are saying, as I live with a ticking time bomb in my chest everyday. But you have so many people who love you & care about you and you should focus on that & try not to think about death so much. I know it would be easier to do that if you could get out & do more. But please keep in mind always that you are loved by your family & friends.
Always here for you, my friend.
AOB
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