New Rules for Halloween

So, I've always really loved Halloween. I remember being very excited about going out to get candy when I was little and I enjoy seeing the small children dressed up in cute costumes. I'm a female in my golden years but it doesn’t seem that long ago! Sadly, last year, the trick-or-treaters that came to my home killed what little Halloween spirit I had left. I'd like to set up some ground rules for this year (and I direct this primarily at the older trick-or-treaters). Bring it on. I'll be waiting.

No "trick or treat" when I open the door? No candy. This is a very important part of trick or treating. It seems that the older the trick-or-treater, the slimmer the chance of being greeted with this. You see, the "trick or treat!" is just a polite way of saying, "Give me some freakin candy!" If getting dolled up in a costume at your age is still cool, then why don't you just go that extra yard and say it? I doubt it'll damage your rep any more than being 16 and standing on my doorstep in a "dead cowboy" costume.

No "thank you"? I'm reaching in your bag of treats and retrieving my candy, in addition to anything else I can grab.

No costume? Kiss my butt and get off my property or I will shoot you with a potato gun.

Dressed like a "gangster?" How stupid do you think I am? I KNOW you're in your street clothes. Shouldn't you be knocking over a candy store?

To the group of late-teenage (how old were you? 16, 17?) Paris Hilton wannabes that pounded violently on my door AND rang the doorbell simultaneously: Did you ever see the movie "Problem Child II?"

Ask me if you can have more than one piece? No. BUT- you can have zero.

Over 13 years of age? No candy. How about some condoms so I don't have to hand out candy to your own children over the next couple of years? I thought so. Yes, you can take more than one.


:::Sigh::: ahhh. Feels good to get that off my chest. Damn you and your idiocy, all of you trick-or-treaters from last year. Now I’m feeling jaded and disillusioned. I hope the Christmas carolers are serving up something good this year.

Disclaimer: To all of the small children and those rare few that were polite and in keeping with the spirit of Halloween- You can come this year. I promise you won't be harmed, taunted, or emotionally scarred in any way.