Wanted/Needed

After realizing my house needs many small repairs (fixes) it has become apparent to me that I need a husband. I am currently accepting applications.

Suitable candidates should be able to demonstrate proof of the following:

- ability to fix stuff around the house
- can lift heavy objects without complaining
- can offer an opinion on home decorations (but they should not differ from my own)
- ability to get lid off tough jars/cans of paint/other packaging
- ability to carry stuff for me where necessary
- high boredom threshold re. multiple trips to Lowe’s and Home Depot

Ability to carry out minor plumbing and electrical projects, hold a conversation on a variety of topics, some level of social skills, emotional maturity, creativity, interest in culture/politics etc and financial solvency are a plus but not essential. Oh, and height. 6 foot plus, that is essential. General usefulness is primary consideration.

Bonus points for: ownership of power tools (and knowledge of how to use them) and suitable transport for necessary purchases.

Benefits include a “fixer-upper” in an.. Ahem... up and coming part of Indiana, takeout food until the kitchen is working, and a wife who fits the following description: blonde hair and brown eyes, is relatively intelligent/interesting/attractive and might be considered to have a somewhat dry sense of humor.

Please send applications including full relationship history, previous fixing stuff experience, salary details, your social security number, your mother’s maiden name, full medical history, five references and your inside leg measurement to the email address above.

Preliminary interviews will be held in the coming weeks and may include a practical exercise.

Previous applicants need not apply.